WTF. That's lame.

MY BEDROOM IS DISGUSTINGLY MESSY.

Pwn.

Yaaaaaay.

Hahahahaha. He eetz teh applez.

Wheee.

There. I hope you all have nightmares now.

CA; No-one is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.

Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 ft of a tavern, school, or
place of worship.

AZ; Honking one's carhorn at a sandwich shop after 9pm is against the law.

No-one may suddenly start or stop their car at McDonalds.

It is unlawful to walk one's cow down Main St after 1pm on a Sunday.

GA; Donkeys may not be kept in bathtubs.

No-one may carry an ice cream cone in their back pocket on a Sunday.

NC; Elephants may not be used to plough a cotton field.

Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited.

WV; It is illegal to snooze on a train.

Whistling underwater is prohibited.

If your work is forcing you against your will to dress up in a costume, and if you're anything like me, you'ld probably rather set yourself on fire, right? Anyway, here's what to do!

1. Not show up.
2. Day after tell everyone you were Invisible Man/Woman.

Hey, if there's a costume contest, you might even win!

---------

Warning - Do Not Leave Alcohol Near Your Pumpkins!

Complete with inane commentary from me, cause they are mine and they're awesome.

Those are just mean-spirited ones.

Technically, if he destroyed the universe, he'ld be dead.

*eats brains*

I have always never understood the "Pimp My Ride" thing...

This one is just retarded, but whatever.

He's supposed to be in jail, for those who can't figure it out.

Like that would stop him.

When people ask where I get my ideas, I usually say, "my brain". But with that one, I just don't know.

That is just stupid.

One of the better ones.

Not only have I already used this "joke", it isn't even funny.

---

If you like the birds, visit their website by clicking below.

The Life of Poi

I had this fly in my house for a couple days. He soon was named "Fatboy Slim", AKA "Fatboy". My mum's insane dog hates flies. It chases them and barks like there's no tomorrow. So, after a day of listening to the thing bark and howl and fall down stairs and crash into things, I was thankful to get to go to bed and sleep. However, I wasn't thankful that my annoying neighbours had to have their nightly party (they don't like me much, but that's okay, as I don't like them. The infamous beach ball incident was NOT MY FAULT, don't listen to anyone!!!), in which they scream and play stupid music loudly and rev their dumb cars and cut down trees and let off fireworks and drink and swear and have wet t-shirt contests (only if it's raining, obviously) until the small hours. One has a paticularily braying laugh that he does every five seconds. He sounds exactly like a mule. Or a goat or sheep or something. He goes like "Baaah!" Highly irritating, especially since they do it outside in their heated garage and that is right near the hedge which is right near my window which, of course, has my bed right under it. Joy.

So anyway, when I was just getting ready to turn off the light, I heard a quiet buzzing sound. I saw nothing, so I resumed reaching to turn the light off but when the same sound came back, a little louder. Suddenly, Fat Boy came flying across the room, buzzing in a paticularily annoying fashion. NOOOOOOOO! The little bugger was trapped in my bedroom!!! My bedroom has one sliding door on one exit, and a sheet hung over the other (to prevent parrots from flying out). So there was no escape. And I have had insects trapped in my room before...I can never sleep, they fly around and buzz and it's extremely irritating.

So, I spent a couple hours opening my doors and trying to shoo the little bastard out, to no avail (I was actually talking to him to try to lure him out.)Finally, FINALLY, I managed to get him out. I did a small victory dance, then leaned against the wall, and breathed a sigh of relief.

Then I heard it.

"Woof".

NOOOOOOO, I was screaming in my head. The damn dog!!! First, it starts off with a quiet "Wuff" sound, then it gets louder and louder until it mutates into the Energizer Bunny of barking and chasing flies and crashing into things.

"Woof". (Slightly more irritated)

"Wooooof". (Definate edge to it, this time)

"WOOF!" (Oh God, here we go)

"BAAAAH!" (My friendly neighbourhood MuleMan)

"Oww, Woof, offf! Ufff! grrr...." (Multiple yelping, barking sounds. Supplemented by buzzing and braying laughter)

Then, of course, off with the jumping, snapping, barking, crashing, falling. Arrghh. Would there be no end?!

Finally, it seemed to calm down. More relief, victory dancing. Then I became aware of a slight buzzing....

I peeked through the crack in the door, and there, in the crack, was Fat Boy. I screamed, MuleMan laughed, and Fat Boy flew out into the room, buzzing angrily. I tried, and actually managed to hit him, but he was still in the room and I surrendered to destiny and went to sleep in the same room.

Why me?

I hate Wal-Mart for many, many reasons, and I don't shop there, but hey, I would definately go there to do these things.

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them
and stranding them at strategic locations.

2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals
throughout the day.

4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get
to join in.

5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the
spray air fresheners.

6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW,
especially thin narrow aisles.

10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I
think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what
happens.

11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off
and turn the volumes to "10".

12. Play with the automatic doors.

13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen
you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid
embarrassment.

14. While walking through the clothing department, ask
yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this junk,
anyway?"

15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.

16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're
taking it for a "test drive."

17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about
five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the
department.

18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store
as your playing field.

19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look
mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"

20. Put M&M's on layaway.

21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll
only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from
the other aisles.

24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around
saying,"...I'm Batman. Come, Robin, to the Batcave!"

26. TP as much of the store as possible.

27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.

28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello"
upside down.

29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask,
"Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

30. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired
employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any
Shnerples here?"

31. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale
battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

32. Take bets on the battle described above.

33. Hold indoor shopping cart races.

34. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from
"Mission: Impossible."

35. Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while
squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him " I
need some tampons!!"

36. Try on bras in the sewing/fabric department.

37. Try on bras over top of your clothes.

38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.

40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to
your Twinkies?"

41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

42. Two words: "Marco Polo."

43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet
food aisle, etc.

44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.

45. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the
restrooms

46. When someone steps away from their cart to look at
something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.

47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.

48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker,
assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those
voices again!"

49. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.

50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and
relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain
that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little
umbrella in it.

51. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice
possible "sex and candy"

52. Try putting different pairs of women's panties on your
head and walk around the store casually.

53. Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the
mannequins.

54. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.

55. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run
between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"

56. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror
while you pick your nose.

57. Set up another battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. G.I. Janes.
(Red lipstick might give an interesting effect!!!)

58. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly
ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act
as spastic as possible.

59. While no one's watching quickly switch the men's and
women's signs on the doors of the rest room.

60. Fill your cart with boxes of condoms, and watch
everyone's jaws drop when you attempt to buy them.

61. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with
various funnels.

62. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse
through, say things like "the fat man walks alone," and scare
them into believing that the clothes are talking to them

63. While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you
and get into a very serious conversation. Ex: The person is
breaking up with you and you begin crying "How could you
do this to me? I thought you loved me! I knew there was
another girl, but I thought I had won. You kissed ME
darling." Then act as though you are being beaten and fall onto
the ground screaming and having convulsions.

64. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people
out.

65. Get a stuffed animal and go to the front of the store and
begin stroking it lovingly, saying "Good girl, good bessie."

66. Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of
shoes, not putiing one pair back. Take the paper from the
boxes and throw it in various aisles.

67. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

68. In the makeup department, spray yourself with every
perfume there is, then walk up to a boy who is with another
girl and start flirting with him in that annoying, ditsy way.
"hi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign?(giggle)." When the boy
shows no interest, start hitting on the girl the exact same way.
"hi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign?(giggle)."

69. Get boxes of Condoms and randomly put them in peoples
carts when they don't realize it!

70. Walk around the perfume department with a bottle of
super strong perfume and spray people as they walk by. Lean
in and sniff them then jump back and wave your hand in front
of your nose and saying "Oh god, your over powering the
perfume!!"

71. Hit on the elderly.

72. Hit on 5 year olds.

73. In the food aisle, pretend like there's a little bug, slowly
move your head to the right, then swing your head to the left
as if your trying to follow it. Slowly lower your head to the
ground, then start spinning around in circles stomping like
crazy. Then finally yell out "Yes!!! I got it!!! Wow, that was
the biggest Cockrouch I've ever seen, i think it was pregnant!!!
Hey look, there's another one!!!" Then Repeat.

74. Repeat 73 with a can of bug spray.

75. Crawl around on the ground and pretend that your a cat.
Meow when people walk by, rub up against their legs, etc.

76. Ride around on those electric cars and pretend that your a
prissy English Man. Say things like "Cheerio, good man." to
people who walk by. And don't forget to have perfect posture.

77. Start grunting like Beavis and Butthead while chasing your
friends up and down aisles trying to run over them with those
electric cars. Make sure to tell your friends to act like they
don't know you.

78. Spend all your money riding on those little rides for
toddlers. Fit the character; if your on a horse, then pretend
that your a cowboy, etc.. And If a little kid comes over
wanting to use it, start barking at them until
they run away crying.

79. Have silly string fights with a friend. Hide behind
customers and "accidentally" hit the people instead of your
friend.

80. Excesively use anything thing that says "Try Me".

81. Start pocketing any and all free samples.

82. Draw mustaches on all the pictures and mannequins.

82. Walk up to the customer service and when they say
"Hello, how may I help you?" say "Yes, I'll have a Quarter
Pounder with cheese, one strawberry shake, a large order of
french fries and a diet coke." And when they start to talk, say
"Oh, to go". Then when they say that they can't give it to you
say "Oh, This is because I'm gay, isn't it? I'd expect this from
Caldors, but not Wal-mart. People who are gay are just like
everyone else you know. You digust me" Then walk away
mumbling to yourself. If you're a guy, try to act as valley- girl-
like as you can

83. Start to madly scratch yourself and walk up to people
asking where the rash cream is because your family and all
your friends seem to have a rash too.

84. When your alone, have loud conversations with your
"multiple personalities". Have an English man, a Southern
person, someone from New York, a Grandma, and a 5 year old
girl all at the same time. You have to use accents. They should
sound like this: "Great idea good fellow, we shall have a jolly
good time. (English)" "Look, oall I wanna do, is wok ta
Stawbucks and git a cawfee(New York)" Etc.

85. Start "dancing" like mad. Basically, just wail your arms
and legs around like your having some kind of massive
seizure.

86. Try on crazy costumes and walk casually through the
store.

87. Stick your arm in your jacket and suspiciously start to
leave the store. Get really tense and start to lean over as your
walking through the doors as if your suspecting the alarms to
go off. Then when it doesn't go off, let out a big sigh. Then
quickly look around you to see who's watching and run away
as fast as your can.

88. Balance EVERYTHING you see on the tips of your finger,
your nose, your forehead, and the top of your head while
singing the circus song.

89. Put jockstraps in the lingerie department

90. Put lingerie in the men's department.

91. Put super sexy lingerie in old men's carts when they turn
around.

92. When your alone, start screaming help and yelling that
someone is trying to rape you. Then when everyone runs over,
start crying and saying "All I ever wanted was a little
attention" Then run away crying.

93. Spend hours staring at a little blinking light. After a while,
start saying blink everytime it blinks. Don't look away, just
stay mesmerized.

94. Walk up to a lady and calmly say "Help me. The voices in
my head are telling me to do naughty things." Then clap your
hands over your ears, fly yell head around and start screaming
"NO!!! I DON'T WANT TO HURT THE NICE LADY!!! NO
NO NO NO!!!!" Then suddenly stop, look her straight in the
eyes, and Calmly say "I...will start...a fire..." The pull out a
zippo and start laughing hysterically in an evil way. But don't
light the zippo, just hold it closed.

95. Light a match under a spinkler.

96. Walk up to someone and say "Oh, so your back for more. I
warned you never to come back here. Wait here while i go get
my shotgun". Then walk away.

97. Walk up to a guy and say "Oh my god, is it you? Oh my
god it is!!! I haven't seen you in so long!!!!" Then kiss him.
Then slap and him say "Why didn't you ever call me??" Then
walk away. Much more affective if you're a guy.

98. Stand next to a maniquin and pretend that your a
mannequin. Try to hold the same position for as long as
possible. Then finally as someone is walking by, check your
watch and say. "Finally, my shift is done. I really don't get
paid enough to do this"

99. Start singing oldies songs in to megaphone.

100. Act like your about to cry and ask people "Have you seen
my mommy?"

101. Steal a Walmart shirt. The possibilities are endless.

BONUS* Attempt all of the above during the same visit.